Monsters in The Parasol

Cheese: Isle of Mull (approx 100g)

I was driving down a motorway in a camper van with my wife and some friends and Giles Brandreth. I'm not sure what Brandreth was doing there, but he was pissing me right off, the irritating twat!

The motorway was completely deserted, I'm not sure why as it was the middle of the day, but we didn't see a soul. I'm not sure where we going, but we stopped by the side of the motorway next to some woods for a picnic.

It sounds strange to have a picnic by the side of the motorway, but as there was no-one on the motorway at all, it was actually nice and quiet. We got a folding picnic table out along with garden chairs and a parasol. It was all very civilised. Although Brandreth was annoying everyone by going on about the process of sun drying tomatoes.

There was a very strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a roar, but different. We were all a little bit unnerved. We then heard a similar noise, but closer. It then dawned on us that we seemed to be the only people in the world and maybe it was an idea to move on.

We packed up all the stuff in a bit of a hurry, and just as we were climbing into the camper van, a Tyrannosaurus Rex came out of the woods looking like it was hungry. We all piled into the van and I put my foot down. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I realised we'd left Giles Brandreth behind.

The T-Rex stooped down and took hold of Brandreth in its jaws. As it lifted its head high up, I couldn't believe how spindly and pathetic Brandreth's legs looked poking out of the T-Rex's mouth as they kicked for dear life. The T-Rex tossed him up the air and he was gone in two bites.

"Fuck, it's diced up Brandreth!" I shouted.

It clearly wasn't done and came running down the carriage way after us. There was no way we were going to outrun it in a battered old camper van. I could see a junction up ahead, and thought maybe I could give it the slip.

It came up on the inside, I swung hard left, through its legs, across the chevrons and on to the slip road heading down to the roundabout at the bottom. For a moment I thought the camper van was going to tip over, but I held it firm.

The T-Rex lost us for a moment, and although it saw us go down the slip road, I took a right at the roundabout, under the motorway, giving us enough cover to give it the slip. At this point, I started to wonder where we were. We were on the banks of a river, and I could see more dinosaurs across the river.

It was clear we weren't safe on land. After a quick discussion, it was decided the best thing to do would be to find a boat. I looked at a road sign and I can genuinely say for the first time in my life I thought "Thank God, we're in Hull!"

As we drove along the side of the river, we came to some boats moored by a jetty. We pulled up and quickly got on board the biggest boat, loading on as much stuff as we could find. We then headed out to sea.

Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 9
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 8
Vividness: 6