Cheese: Yorkshire Blue (approx. 50g)
I was in a sports hall - it was a big one. I was playing in a football match, but despite being indoor it was on a big pitch, and we were playing about 7 or 8 a side.
I wasn't sure what was at stake but the game was being taken very seriously, and there were quite a few people watching from a balcony above, including well-known biologist David Bellamy.
The game was becoming increasingly bad tempered and the tackles were flying. Some guy came flying into me, I managed to get out of the way, but I noticed he had sharpened blades attached to his boots.
There was a break in play, and I took the opportunity to put on some seriously hard core shin pads that completely covered my legs from the knee down and would have provided me with ample protection from the blades.
At this point I noticed our captain was Vinnie Jones. He was giving us a proper pep talk and telling us to get stuck in and not be bullied by 'these cunts'.
Shortly after play restarted, Vinnie was fouled and he reacted by head-butting the offending player. Everyone piled in, and I used this opportunity to grab hold of the ball and take a quick free kick. Amazingly the referee waved me on, and I dribbled up the field and put in a firm finish past the keeper, who happened to be a guy I'd worked with years back.
I didn't care though, I'd got the winner, although I wasn't going to hang around to celebrate as things were really kicking off, and I decided to bid a hasty retreat before getting sucked into the ruckus.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 7
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 4
Vividness: 4
Tuesday 20 April 2010
Monday 12 April 2010
Blast from the Past
Cheese: Lincolnshire Poacher (approx 100g)
I was at a large stadium with my wife and we were coming out of a Whitney Houston gig (I don't know how I was ever persuaded to go to a Whitney Houston gig). I don't remember the gig itself, just leaving.
We went to the car park to find the car, and on the way I saw an ex-girlfriend from years ago. She was with her husband or boyfriend. She clearly clocked me, but didn't react and just blanked me. I wasn't going to say anything to her, but I did point her out to my wife once she was walking away.
We got in the car and started to drive off. For some reason this stadium was in the middle of the country, so we pulled out of the car park on to a tiny country lane, which bizarrely was completely deserted once we got round the first corner. I think everyone else was heading back into town via a main road on the other side of the stadium.
It was a beautiful day, with bright sunlight, which was also strange given that gigs take place in the evening, and this one had finished but the sun was still high in the sky.
A few miles down the road, and I noticed something flapping out of the back of the car and stopped to secure it. There seemed to be a massive piece of netting, some of which was in the boot, but the rest was trailing out of the boot of the car. I decided to take the netting out and fold it up properly.
The netting was only about 2 or 3 foot wide, but it was literally a couple of miles long, and I had to walk for what seemed like miles down the road to lay it out so I could fold it properly. The whole folding process took absolutely ages, but eventually I got it all folded up and put it in the boot, and we drove off.
Freakiness: 4
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
I was at a large stadium with my wife and we were coming out of a Whitney Houston gig (I don't know how I was ever persuaded to go to a Whitney Houston gig). I don't remember the gig itself, just leaving.
We went to the car park to find the car, and on the way I saw an ex-girlfriend from years ago. She was with her husband or boyfriend. She clearly clocked me, but didn't react and just blanked me. I wasn't going to say anything to her, but I did point her out to my wife once she was walking away.
We got in the car and started to drive off. For some reason this stadium was in the middle of the country, so we pulled out of the car park on to a tiny country lane, which bizarrely was completely deserted once we got round the first corner. I think everyone else was heading back into town via a main road on the other side of the stadium.
It was a beautiful day, with bright sunlight, which was also strange given that gigs take place in the evening, and this one had finished but the sun was still high in the sky.
A few miles down the road, and I noticed something flapping out of the back of the car and stopped to secure it. There seemed to be a massive piece of netting, some of which was in the boot, but the rest was trailing out of the boot of the car. I decided to take the netting out and fold it up properly.
The netting was only about 2 or 3 foot wide, but it was literally a couple of miles long, and I had to walk for what seemed like miles down the road to lay it out so I could fold it properly. The whole folding process took absolutely ages, but eventually I got it all folded up and put it in the boot, and we drove off.
Freakiness: 4
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
Wednesday 7 April 2010
Monsters in The Parasol
Cheese: Isle of Mull (approx 100g)
I was driving down a motorway in a camper van with my wife and some friends and Giles Brandreth. I'm not sure what Brandreth was doing there, but he was pissing me right off, the irritating twat!
The motorway was completely deserted, I'm not sure why as it was the middle of the day, but we didn't see a soul. I'm not sure where we going, but we stopped by the side of the motorway next to some woods for a picnic.
It sounds strange to have a picnic by the side of the motorway, but as there was no-one on the motorway at all, it was actually nice and quiet. We got a folding picnic table out along with garden chairs and a parasol. It was all very civilised. Although Brandreth was annoying everyone by going on about the process of sun drying tomatoes.
There was a very strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a roar, but different. We were all a little bit unnerved. We then heard a similar noise, but closer. It then dawned on us that we seemed to be the only people in the world and maybe it was an idea to move on.
We packed up all the stuff in a bit of a hurry, and just as we were climbing into the camper van, a Tyrannosaurus Rex came out of the woods looking like it was hungry. We all piled into the van and I put my foot down. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I realised we'd left Giles Brandreth behind.
The T-Rex stooped down and took hold of Brandreth in its jaws. As it lifted its head high up, I couldn't believe how spindly and pathetic Brandreth's legs looked poking out of the T-Rex's mouth as they kicked for dear life. The T-Rex tossed him up the air and he was gone in two bites.
"Fuck, it's diced up Brandreth!" I shouted.
It clearly wasn't done and came running down the carriage way after us. There was no way we were going to outrun it in a battered old camper van. I could see a junction up ahead, and thought maybe I could give it the slip.
It came up on the inside, I swung hard left, through its legs, across the chevrons and on to the slip road heading down to the roundabout at the bottom. For a moment I thought the camper van was going to tip over, but I held it firm.
The T-Rex lost us for a moment, and although it saw us go down the slip road, I took a right at the roundabout, under the motorway, giving us enough cover to give it the slip. At this point, I started to wonder where we were. We were on the banks of a river, and I could see more dinosaurs across the river.
It was clear we weren't safe on land. After a quick discussion, it was decided the best thing to do would be to find a boat. I looked at a road sign and I can genuinely say for the first time in my life I thought "Thank God, we're in Hull!"
As we drove along the side of the river, we came to some boats moored by a jetty. We pulled up and quickly got on board the biggest boat, loading on as much stuff as we could find. We then headed out to sea.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 9
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 8
Vividness: 6
I was driving down a motorway in a camper van with my wife and some friends and Giles Brandreth. I'm not sure what Brandreth was doing there, but he was pissing me right off, the irritating twat!
The motorway was completely deserted, I'm not sure why as it was the middle of the day, but we didn't see a soul. I'm not sure where we going, but we stopped by the side of the motorway next to some woods for a picnic.
It sounds strange to have a picnic by the side of the motorway, but as there was no-one on the motorway at all, it was actually nice and quiet. We got a folding picnic table out along with garden chairs and a parasol. It was all very civilised. Although Brandreth was annoying everyone by going on about the process of sun drying tomatoes.
There was a very strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a roar, but different. We were all a little bit unnerved. We then heard a similar noise, but closer. It then dawned on us that we seemed to be the only people in the world and maybe it was an idea to move on.
We packed up all the stuff in a bit of a hurry, and just as we were climbing into the camper van, a Tyrannosaurus Rex came out of the woods looking like it was hungry. We all piled into the van and I put my foot down. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I realised we'd left Giles Brandreth behind.
The T-Rex stooped down and took hold of Brandreth in its jaws. As it lifted its head high up, I couldn't believe how spindly and pathetic Brandreth's legs looked poking out of the T-Rex's mouth as they kicked for dear life. The T-Rex tossed him up the air and he was gone in two bites.
"Fuck, it's diced up Brandreth!" I shouted.
It clearly wasn't done and came running down the carriage way after us. There was no way we were going to outrun it in a battered old camper van. I could see a junction up ahead, and thought maybe I could give it the slip.
It came up on the inside, I swung hard left, through its legs, across the chevrons and on to the slip road heading down to the roundabout at the bottom. For a moment I thought the camper van was going to tip over, but I held it firm.
The T-Rex lost us for a moment, and although it saw us go down the slip road, I took a right at the roundabout, under the motorway, giving us enough cover to give it the slip. At this point, I started to wonder where we were. We were on the banks of a river, and I could see more dinosaurs across the river.
It was clear we weren't safe on land. After a quick discussion, it was decided the best thing to do would be to find a boat. I looked at a road sign and I can genuinely say for the first time in my life I thought "Thank God, we're in Hull!"
As we drove along the side of the river, we came to some boats moored by a jetty. We pulled up and quickly got on board the biggest boat, loading on as much stuff as we could find. We then headed out to sea.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 9
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 8
Vividness: 6
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