Bloodball

Cheese: Yorkshire Blue (approx. 50g)

I was in a sports hall - it was a big one. I was playing in a football match, but despite being indoor it was on a big pitch, and we were playing about 7 or 8 a side.

I wasn't sure what was at stake but the game was being taken very seriously, and there were quite a few people watching from a balcony above, including well-known biologist David Bellamy.

The game was becoming increasingly bad tempered and the tackles were flying. Some guy came flying into me, I managed to get out of the way, but I noticed he had sharpened blades attached to his boots.

There was a break in play, and I took the opportunity to put on some seriously hard core shin pads that completely covered my legs from the knee down and would have provided me with ample protection from the blades.

At this point I noticed our captain was Vinnie Jones. He was giving us a proper pep talk and telling us to get stuck in and not be bullied by 'these cunts'.

Shortly after play restarted, Vinnie was fouled and he reacted by head-butting the offending player. Everyone piled in, and I used this opportunity to grab hold of the ball and take a quick free kick. Amazingly the referee waved me on, and I dribbled up the field and put in a firm finish past the keeper, who happened to be a guy I'd worked with years back.

I didn't care though, I'd got the winner, although I wasn't going to hang around to celebrate as things were really kicking off, and I decided to bid a hasty retreat before getting sucked into the ruckus.

Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 7
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 4
Vividness: 4