Quizmaster Rooney

Cheese: Isle of Mull Cheddar (approx. 100g)

I was playing football, but not on a football pitch, in a massive building that had all sorts of corridors and rooms, but open spaces too. There were an awful lot of people there, not all of them playing football, and it wasn't always possible to tell who was playing and who was on what team.

I do remember there were a lot of older ladies in twin sets and pearls carrying around homemade jam - they were not playing football. After chasing the ball round this building for a while it came out in an open area, a sort of hall, and then it took on a more recognisable form of football.

I managed to get the ball and almost collided with an old lady carrying cup cakes, but kept my feet and coolly slotted the ball past Ben Fogle who was playing in goal. The goal, for some reason, seemed to also mean the end of the game, and having scored the winning goal I was ushered off into some room for a 'special prize'.

I walked into this room to be faced by Wayne Rooney sat at a desk. I sat down and he started asking me questions about music. He was asking me about Led Zeppelin albums, about rappers and all sorts. The questions got harder and harder and more and more obscure, when he asked me what the name of Freddie Mercury's gay lover was, I started to question what the point of this was and how it didn't seem like much of a prize to me. He told me to answer the question, I said I didn't know. He said 'That's a pity' and yanked a lever - a trap door opened and I shot downwards through it.

I had a soft landing after a short fall, rolled off the mat I had landed on and went through a door. I found myself in an office, but it was still clearly the same building. One of my former colleagues was there and asked me if I wanted to do any freelancing work as the company was short of people. I said I wasn't that keen, but managed to negotiate a very good rate.

He told me to sit at any computer and start working. He said the work was obvious - indeed it was, as it turned out to be games of noughts and crosses.

Freakiness: 4
Nightmare Factor: 4
Amusement Factor: 4
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 7
Vividness: 5