Franz

Cheese: Cheshire (approx. 50g)

In what was a truly bizarre and disturbing dream, many things happened, and on waking I found it very difficult to piece them all together.

The central theme of the dream, as I recall, was my 10 year old ethnic Bolivian second cousin was marrying his 34 year old primary school teacher, and to be fair to my little cousin, she was an absolute hottie. However, everyone, including myself, was very concerned at the prospect of a ten year old boy getting married.

There were many comings and goings as we tried to get to the bottom of what was happening, and indeed how such a union could possibly be performed. My cousin didn't care though, despite being only ten, the benefits of shacking up with a red hot babe were clearly not lost on him, and he was truly excited by the prospect. He seemed to be genuinely enamored with his would-be bride too.

The wedding was clearly very close, as everyone was dressed in their finest and we were in some plush hotel, which I could only assume was the wedding venue. While all this hoo-ha was going on and everyone was trying to get to the bottom of what was happening, I suddenly noticed German football legend Franz Beckenbauer, the only man to captain and manage World Cup winning teams.

However, this was not Franz as he is now, but a much younger Franz early on in his playing career (well before growing his ridiculous 70s sideburns). I got talking to him, and he told me he was there as a guest of honour at a football tournament going on in the hotel grounds. He said he could show me where the tournament was happening.

As we walked out of the hotel, I asked him if he was going to return the 1975 European Cup to its rightful owners. He smiled and mumbled something about it not being his fault. He said he got the ball when he brought down Allan Clarke, I said 'That's absolute bollocks, he did you like a kipper and you were nowhere near'. He smiled again.

Round the back of the hotel was a massive field with about 20 5-a-side pitches and game happening on all of them. As I wandered round, I noticed one team had a few guys I was at school with in.

One of them was taking a throw in, and managed to throw it from nearly the half way line right into the net. The referee correctly disallowed it as you can't score from a throw in.

Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 6
Amusement Factor: 3
Enjoyability: 4
Coherence: 3
Vividness: 7