Cheese: Yorkshire Blue (approx. 50g)
I was in a sports hall - it was a big one. I was playing in a football match, but despite being indoor it was on a big pitch, and we were playing about 7 or 8 a side.
I wasn't sure what was at stake but the game was being taken very seriously, and there were quite a few people watching from a balcony above, including well-known biologist David Bellamy.
The game was becoming increasingly bad tempered and the tackles were flying. Some guy came flying into me, I managed to get out of the way, but I noticed he had sharpened blades attached to his boots.
There was a break in play, and I took the opportunity to put on some seriously hard core shin pads that completely covered my legs from the knee down and would have provided me with ample protection from the blades.
At this point I noticed our captain was Vinnie Jones. He was giving us a proper pep talk and telling us to get stuck in and not be bullied by 'these cunts'.
Shortly after play restarted, Vinnie was fouled and he reacted by head-butting the offending player. Everyone piled in, and I used this opportunity to grab hold of the ball and take a quick free kick. Amazingly the referee waved me on, and I dribbled up the field and put in a firm finish past the keeper, who happened to be a guy I'd worked with years back.
I didn't care though, I'd got the winner, although I wasn't going to hang around to celebrate as things were really kicking off, and I decided to bid a hasty retreat before getting sucked into the ruckus.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 7
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 4
Vividness: 4
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Monday, 12 April 2010
Blast from the Past
Cheese: Lincolnshire Poacher (approx 100g)
I was at a large stadium with my wife and we were coming out of a Whitney Houston gig (I don't know how I was ever persuaded to go to a Whitney Houston gig). I don't remember the gig itself, just leaving.
We went to the car park to find the car, and on the way I saw an ex-girlfriend from years ago. She was with her husband or boyfriend. She clearly clocked me, but didn't react and just blanked me. I wasn't going to say anything to her, but I did point her out to my wife once she was walking away.
We got in the car and started to drive off. For some reason this stadium was in the middle of the country, so we pulled out of the car park on to a tiny country lane, which bizarrely was completely deserted once we got round the first corner. I think everyone else was heading back into town via a main road on the other side of the stadium.
It was a beautiful day, with bright sunlight, which was also strange given that gigs take place in the evening, and this one had finished but the sun was still high in the sky.
A few miles down the road, and I noticed something flapping out of the back of the car and stopped to secure it. There seemed to be a massive piece of netting, some of which was in the boot, but the rest was trailing out of the boot of the car. I decided to take the netting out and fold it up properly.
The netting was only about 2 or 3 foot wide, but it was literally a couple of miles long, and I had to walk for what seemed like miles down the road to lay it out so I could fold it properly. The whole folding process took absolutely ages, but eventually I got it all folded up and put it in the boot, and we drove off.
Freakiness: 4
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
I was at a large stadium with my wife and we were coming out of a Whitney Houston gig (I don't know how I was ever persuaded to go to a Whitney Houston gig). I don't remember the gig itself, just leaving.
We went to the car park to find the car, and on the way I saw an ex-girlfriend from years ago. She was with her husband or boyfriend. She clearly clocked me, but didn't react and just blanked me. I wasn't going to say anything to her, but I did point her out to my wife once she was walking away.
We got in the car and started to drive off. For some reason this stadium was in the middle of the country, so we pulled out of the car park on to a tiny country lane, which bizarrely was completely deserted once we got round the first corner. I think everyone else was heading back into town via a main road on the other side of the stadium.
It was a beautiful day, with bright sunlight, which was also strange given that gigs take place in the evening, and this one had finished but the sun was still high in the sky.
A few miles down the road, and I noticed something flapping out of the back of the car and stopped to secure it. There seemed to be a massive piece of netting, some of which was in the boot, but the rest was trailing out of the boot of the car. I decided to take the netting out and fold it up properly.
The netting was only about 2 or 3 foot wide, but it was literally a couple of miles long, and I had to walk for what seemed like miles down the road to lay it out so I could fold it properly. The whole folding process took absolutely ages, but eventually I got it all folded up and put it in the boot, and we drove off.
Freakiness: 4
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Monsters in The Parasol
Cheese: Isle of Mull (approx 100g)
I was driving down a motorway in a camper van with my wife and some friends and Giles Brandreth. I'm not sure what Brandreth was doing there, but he was pissing me right off, the irritating twat!
The motorway was completely deserted, I'm not sure why as it was the middle of the day, but we didn't see a soul. I'm not sure where we going, but we stopped by the side of the motorway next to some woods for a picnic.
It sounds strange to have a picnic by the side of the motorway, but as there was no-one on the motorway at all, it was actually nice and quiet. We got a folding picnic table out along with garden chairs and a parasol. It was all very civilised. Although Brandreth was annoying everyone by going on about the process of sun drying tomatoes.
There was a very strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a roar, but different. We were all a little bit unnerved. We then heard a similar noise, but closer. It then dawned on us that we seemed to be the only people in the world and maybe it was an idea to move on.
We packed up all the stuff in a bit of a hurry, and just as we were climbing into the camper van, a Tyrannosaurus Rex came out of the woods looking like it was hungry. We all piled into the van and I put my foot down. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I realised we'd left Giles Brandreth behind.
The T-Rex stooped down and took hold of Brandreth in its jaws. As it lifted its head high up, I couldn't believe how spindly and pathetic Brandreth's legs looked poking out of the T-Rex's mouth as they kicked for dear life. The T-Rex tossed him up the air and he was gone in two bites.
"Fuck, it's diced up Brandreth!" I shouted.
It clearly wasn't done and came running down the carriage way after us. There was no way we were going to outrun it in a battered old camper van. I could see a junction up ahead, and thought maybe I could give it the slip.
It came up on the inside, I swung hard left, through its legs, across the chevrons and on to the slip road heading down to the roundabout at the bottom. For a moment I thought the camper van was going to tip over, but I held it firm.
The T-Rex lost us for a moment, and although it saw us go down the slip road, I took a right at the roundabout, under the motorway, giving us enough cover to give it the slip. At this point, I started to wonder where we were. We were on the banks of a river, and I could see more dinosaurs across the river.
It was clear we weren't safe on land. After a quick discussion, it was decided the best thing to do would be to find a boat. I looked at a road sign and I can genuinely say for the first time in my life I thought "Thank God, we're in Hull!"
As we drove along the side of the river, we came to some boats moored by a jetty. We pulled up and quickly got on board the biggest boat, loading on as much stuff as we could find. We then headed out to sea.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 9
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 8
Vividness: 6
I was driving down a motorway in a camper van with my wife and some friends and Giles Brandreth. I'm not sure what Brandreth was doing there, but he was pissing me right off, the irritating twat!
The motorway was completely deserted, I'm not sure why as it was the middle of the day, but we didn't see a soul. I'm not sure where we going, but we stopped by the side of the motorway next to some woods for a picnic.
It sounds strange to have a picnic by the side of the motorway, but as there was no-one on the motorway at all, it was actually nice and quiet. We got a folding picnic table out along with garden chairs and a parasol. It was all very civilised. Although Brandreth was annoying everyone by going on about the process of sun drying tomatoes.
There was a very strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a roar, but different. We were all a little bit unnerved. We then heard a similar noise, but closer. It then dawned on us that we seemed to be the only people in the world and maybe it was an idea to move on.
We packed up all the stuff in a bit of a hurry, and just as we were climbing into the camper van, a Tyrannosaurus Rex came out of the woods looking like it was hungry. We all piled into the van and I put my foot down. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I realised we'd left Giles Brandreth behind.
The T-Rex stooped down and took hold of Brandreth in its jaws. As it lifted its head high up, I couldn't believe how spindly and pathetic Brandreth's legs looked poking out of the T-Rex's mouth as they kicked for dear life. The T-Rex tossed him up the air and he was gone in two bites.
"Fuck, it's diced up Brandreth!" I shouted.
It clearly wasn't done and came running down the carriage way after us. There was no way we were going to outrun it in a battered old camper van. I could see a junction up ahead, and thought maybe I could give it the slip.
It came up on the inside, I swung hard left, through its legs, across the chevrons and on to the slip road heading down to the roundabout at the bottom. For a moment I thought the camper van was going to tip over, but I held it firm.
The T-Rex lost us for a moment, and although it saw us go down the slip road, I took a right at the roundabout, under the motorway, giving us enough cover to give it the slip. At this point, I started to wonder where we were. We were on the banks of a river, and I could see more dinosaurs across the river.
It was clear we weren't safe on land. After a quick discussion, it was decided the best thing to do would be to find a boat. I looked at a road sign and I can genuinely say for the first time in my life I thought "Thank God, we're in Hull!"
As we drove along the side of the river, we came to some boats moored by a jetty. We pulled up and quickly got on board the biggest boat, loading on as much stuff as we could find. We then headed out to sea.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 9
Amusement Factor: 5
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 8
Vividness: 6
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Carny Fun
Cheese: Norwegian Jarlsberg (approx 100g)
I had this dream a few days ago, it was quite bizarre and a little difficult to piece together afterwards.
I was at some sort of festival or carnival with my wife and some friends. There were all sorts of rides and weird and wonderful sights there. Clowns, people on stilts, people breathing fire, game stalls, everything really.
My wife was wearing a very short dress and was quite drunk and was generally leading the merry dance as we wandered from stall to stall and field to field. She seemed to be loving it and absolutely in her element.
At one point we went into a circus tent where comedian and television presenter Rufus Hound was the ring master. He was taming lions, in a big hat that had 'Lion Tamer' written on it in big neon letters.
Unfortunately he wasn't very good at it, as one of the lions chewed his arm off. But credit to him, he fought back with the other arm, and continued to whip the lions with one arm, while the other spurted blood. The loss of blood was causing him to become less coherent and clearly less conscious. Thankfully Jimmy Carr came in and managed to drag him out.
Unfortunately Jimmy Carr was not eaten by the lions, although we were all shouting at the lions to eat him.
When we left the tent it was dark, and we went to a stone circle where my mate who now lives in Australia was twirling his firestaff standing on top of one of the stones. When he saw me he got down and we started chatting. He said he was in town for the carnival but was going back to Australia very shortly. He said he had some spare tickets and me and my wife should go with him.
I was well up for a free trip to Australia. He said to meet him at the airport. We continued to explore the festival, my wife was also up for going to Australia, but was also easily distracted by the bright lights of the carnival. She was also pretty wankered on what I think was strawberry cider.
Co-ordinating her became rather difficult. I managed to get her in the vicinity of the car so I could try and get some stuff packed, but I started to realise that getting home to pack and then getting to the airport wasn't going to happen.
We tried to head home but there was a massive queue leaving the carnival, my mate rang me while we trying to get out, and we'd missed the flight. I was gutted. The festival had been ace though, and I'd got to see my friend.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 7
Amusement Factor: 7
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 2
Vividness: 5
I had this dream a few days ago, it was quite bizarre and a little difficult to piece together afterwards.
I was at some sort of festival or carnival with my wife and some friends. There were all sorts of rides and weird and wonderful sights there. Clowns, people on stilts, people breathing fire, game stalls, everything really.
My wife was wearing a very short dress and was quite drunk and was generally leading the merry dance as we wandered from stall to stall and field to field. She seemed to be loving it and absolutely in her element.
At one point we went into a circus tent where comedian and television presenter Rufus Hound was the ring master. He was taming lions, in a big hat that had 'Lion Tamer' written on it in big neon letters.
Unfortunately he wasn't very good at it, as one of the lions chewed his arm off. But credit to him, he fought back with the other arm, and continued to whip the lions with one arm, while the other spurted blood. The loss of blood was causing him to become less coherent and clearly less conscious. Thankfully Jimmy Carr came in and managed to drag him out.
Unfortunately Jimmy Carr was not eaten by the lions, although we were all shouting at the lions to eat him.
When we left the tent it was dark, and we went to a stone circle where my mate who now lives in Australia was twirling his firestaff standing on top of one of the stones. When he saw me he got down and we started chatting. He said he was in town for the carnival but was going back to Australia very shortly. He said he had some spare tickets and me and my wife should go with him.
I was well up for a free trip to Australia. He said to meet him at the airport. We continued to explore the festival, my wife was also up for going to Australia, but was also easily distracted by the bright lights of the carnival. She was also pretty wankered on what I think was strawberry cider.
Co-ordinating her became rather difficult. I managed to get her in the vicinity of the car so I could try and get some stuff packed, but I started to realise that getting home to pack and then getting to the airport wasn't going to happen.
We tried to head home but there was a massive queue leaving the carnival, my mate rang me while we trying to get out, and we'd missed the flight. I was gutted. The festival had been ace though, and I'd got to see my friend.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 7
Amusement Factor: 7
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 2
Vividness: 5
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Ice Assault
Cheese: Yarg (approx 100g)
I was at my work, it was cold outside and there was thick snow on the ground. We all had to go out on some sort of treasure hunt type thing where we had clue and had to search for more clues. This treasure hunt was being run by former Blue Peter presenter Sarah Greene.
When I got back to the office, I was on the first floor and the floor started to collapse in the corner, next to where the next door office is doing building work. As a result everyone had to leave the building.
As we filed out, some unpleasant bully started throwing snowballs at Sarah Greene. I decided to stop him by pushing on the roof of the smoking shelter, causing an avalanche of snow to fall on his head, completely burying him.
Through the snow he threatened to kick my ass, so I just picked up a massive lump of iced-up snow and chucked on the pile of snow he was already under.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 6
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 3
Vividness: 3
I was at my work, it was cold outside and there was thick snow on the ground. We all had to go out on some sort of treasure hunt type thing where we had clue and had to search for more clues. This treasure hunt was being run by former Blue Peter presenter Sarah Greene.
When I got back to the office, I was on the first floor and the floor started to collapse in the corner, next to where the next door office is doing building work. As a result everyone had to leave the building.
As we filed out, some unpleasant bully started throwing snowballs at Sarah Greene. I decided to stop him by pushing on the roof of the smoking shelter, causing an avalanche of snow to fall on his head, completely burying him.
Through the snow he threatened to kick my ass, so I just picked up a massive lump of iced-up snow and chucked on the pile of snow he was already under.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 5
Amusement Factor: 6
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 3
Vividness: 3
Thursday, 18 March 2010
New Adventures in Chaource
I had a really cool dream at the weekend, wrote down a load of notes as soon as I woke up, but didn't get round to writing it up until yesterday, when I came to look at my notes I couldn't remember anything. I'm going to have to learn to write up faster!
Cheese: Chaource (approx 60g)
Dream 1
I was driving in a car with some of my American relatives, we were going to a wedding of some people I really couldn't stand (although I'm not sure who they were). I made no secret of my disdain in the car.
We drove through some torrential downpours which led to concern about getting very wet when we got there. Luckily my uncle had packed some polythene rain ponchos to keep us dry.
We eventually parked up somewhere, donned our ponchos and proceeded to walk to the wedding. Some way down the road we realised we'd forgotten to buy a parking ticket. My uncle explained that we just needed to leave a note of his zip code on the car, and then it would be OK. I memorised his zip code went back to the car and left a note.
We then walked up to the wedding. Everyone was wearing really bad 70s suits, with very frilly dress shirts. I just thought everyone looked like a twat. It then started to rain very heavily and everyone except us got wet, because we had our ponchos. This was excellent because everyone hid under the tables, but we were able to snaffle everything at the buffet, as there was no-one else eating. We had to do this quickly, as the food started to get soggy.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 4
Amusement Factor: 4
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 7
Vividness: 6
Dream 2
I was out with a friend of mine and we were drinking in some old pub somewhere - well I was drinking, he doesn't drink. There were quite a few people dotted around that I knew, including a really mouthy kid from school who used to get on my tits.
At one point, some lesbian started kicking off with me, accusing me of being a homophobe, despite the fact that I'm not and hadn't done or said anything which justified her accusations. The mouthy kid from school tried to stir saying I'd said this, that and the other, I think he just had a chip on his shoulder because he came out as bisexual a year or two after we left school.
I told him to shut up. He didn't, so I punched him in the mouth. Not hard, but enough so he would get the message.
At this point, the lesbian's partner showed up, and she was heavily pregnant with her bulge on full display. She was a proper angry lesbian and started asking me if I was going to punch a pregnant woman, obviously I said no, then she said that she 'bet I had at some point'.
Then she started saying that I must have a problem with a pregnant lesbian. I told her to fuck right off and that she had no place judging me, and if she wasn't an utter scumbag, she'd be more concerned with her unborn child than abusing random strangers.
My mate started laughing at her and called her a pathetic retard. She disappeared after that. My mate gave me a lift home, but on the way, I realised I'd forgotten my coat so we had to go back. The pub was dark and deserted when we got back, it was quite freaky, but I got my coat and my mate gave me a lift home.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 8
Amusement Factor: 3
Enjoyability: 4
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
Cheese: Chaource (approx 60g)
Dream 1
I was driving in a car with some of my American relatives, we were going to a wedding of some people I really couldn't stand (although I'm not sure who they were). I made no secret of my disdain in the car.
We drove through some torrential downpours which led to concern about getting very wet when we got there. Luckily my uncle had packed some polythene rain ponchos to keep us dry.
We eventually parked up somewhere, donned our ponchos and proceeded to walk to the wedding. Some way down the road we realised we'd forgotten to buy a parking ticket. My uncle explained that we just needed to leave a note of his zip code on the car, and then it would be OK. I memorised his zip code went back to the car and left a note.
We then walked up to the wedding. Everyone was wearing really bad 70s suits, with very frilly dress shirts. I just thought everyone looked like a twat. It then started to rain very heavily and everyone except us got wet, because we had our ponchos. This was excellent because everyone hid under the tables, but we were able to snaffle everything at the buffet, as there was no-one else eating. We had to do this quickly, as the food started to get soggy.
Freakiness: 6
Nightmare Factor: 4
Amusement Factor: 4
Enjoyability: 6
Coherence: 7
Vividness: 6
Dream 2
I was out with a friend of mine and we were drinking in some old pub somewhere - well I was drinking, he doesn't drink. There were quite a few people dotted around that I knew, including a really mouthy kid from school who used to get on my tits.
At one point, some lesbian started kicking off with me, accusing me of being a homophobe, despite the fact that I'm not and hadn't done or said anything which justified her accusations. The mouthy kid from school tried to stir saying I'd said this, that and the other, I think he just had a chip on his shoulder because he came out as bisexual a year or two after we left school.
I told him to shut up. He didn't, so I punched him in the mouth. Not hard, but enough so he would get the message.
At this point, the lesbian's partner showed up, and she was heavily pregnant with her bulge on full display. She was a proper angry lesbian and started asking me if I was going to punch a pregnant woman, obviously I said no, then she said that she 'bet I had at some point'.
Then she started saying that I must have a problem with a pregnant lesbian. I told her to fuck right off and that she had no place judging me, and if she wasn't an utter scumbag, she'd be more concerned with her unborn child than abusing random strangers.
My mate started laughing at her and called her a pathetic retard. She disappeared after that. My mate gave me a lift home, but on the way, I realised I'd forgotten my coat so we had to go back. The pub was dark and deserted when we got back, it was quite freaky, but I got my coat and my mate gave me a lift home.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 8
Amusement Factor: 3
Enjoyability: 4
Coherence: 6
Vividness: 5
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Dreaming Gate 1
A breakthrough. With the help of some particularly strong Lancashire cheese, I was able to pass through Castaneda's 1st Gate of Dreaming. I have only achieved this on a few occasions in the last few years.
I succeeded in finding my hands which bring about a much more heightened and intense state of dreaming. Unfortunately, the heightened level of self awareness it brings so far leads me to realise I'm dreaming, and it makes it difficult to sustain the state.
Unfortunately it's been so long since I read any of Castaneda's work, I couldn't remember what to do next - find and follow a Scout. As a result, I got stuck having gone through Gate 1.
Cheese: Lancashire (approx 100g)
I was sitting on the back seat of a bus, I must have been in a heightened state, because I realised I was, and instinctively thought to look at my hands. I looked down at my hands and turned them over (I think this may be the beginning of Gate 2).
I looked up and the back of the bus where I was sitting was pretty busy. I was in the middle of the back seat, there was a dodgy looking man facing me to the left, a mother and her child to my immediate left and an old lady facing me to the right. I didn't pay too much attention to them as I was trying to see where the bus was going. It was heading down a suburban street towards a T-junction.
I was aware of two noisy children sat the other side of the dodgy man, but I could see them as he was in the way.
Unfortunately I was not able to maintain the state for very long.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 6
Amusement Factor: 2
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 10
Vividness: 10
I succeeded in finding my hands which bring about a much more heightened and intense state of dreaming. Unfortunately, the heightened level of self awareness it brings so far leads me to realise I'm dreaming, and it makes it difficult to sustain the state.
Unfortunately it's been so long since I read any of Castaneda's work, I couldn't remember what to do next - find and follow a Scout. As a result, I got stuck having gone through Gate 1.
Cheese: Lancashire (approx 100g)
I was sitting on the back seat of a bus, I must have been in a heightened state, because I realised I was, and instinctively thought to look at my hands. I looked down at my hands and turned them over (I think this may be the beginning of Gate 2).
I looked up and the back of the bus where I was sitting was pretty busy. I was in the middle of the back seat, there was a dodgy looking man facing me to the left, a mother and her child to my immediate left and an old lady facing me to the right. I didn't pay too much attention to them as I was trying to see where the bus was going. It was heading down a suburban street towards a T-junction.
I was aware of two noisy children sat the other side of the dodgy man, but I could see them as he was in the way.
Unfortunately I was not able to maintain the state for very long.
Freakiness: 8
Nightmare Factor: 6
Amusement Factor: 2
Enjoyability: 5
Coherence: 10
Vividness: 10
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